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@zachreinert03

Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car

@WheelTod

Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before

@OW_Divine

The average American eats 46 slices of Pizza per year
So I guess you could say that I’m above average.

@JustinMcElroy

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

@LoveNLunchmeat

Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.

@roostermustache

Me: yah after the car accident i can barely raise my arm

Lawyer: how high could u raise it before

Me:*raises arm over head* like this high

@skullmandible

nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws

@BlindChow

[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken

GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet

@TheBeerGuy73

My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.

I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.