If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
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*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
where the womens at?
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby