Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
You Might Also Like
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
saw this in a dream
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.