Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
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Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots