A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
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Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything