Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
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EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
just having fun
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.