imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”

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Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”

The Lord: “You still have that?”


Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.


If you’re ever lost in the woods, try to find a bear to kill.

Their claws will provide four sweet breakfast pastries.


My GF arrives in town next week. I’m so excited!

I just hope that all the tension w/ Russia doesn’t make U.S. immigration hold up the mail.


Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.


Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what


Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.


Why procrastinate today

When you could procrastinate tomorrow