@Megatronic13

Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy

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@lmegordon

My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.

@ibid78

Me: “Goodnight Bed.”
Bed: “New foam who dis?”

@briangaar

Whenever people are like “We need to restore traditional values to this country” I assume they mean slavery and burning witches at the stake

@Gupton68

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not

@KentWGraham

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”

@Tommytoughstuff

ME: I heard glasses make you look smart.
FRIEND: That’s true.
[LATER ON A DATE]
DATE: Hi.
ME: (wearing 20 pairs of glasses) Who said that?

@KentWGraham

“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.

@squirrel74wkgn

Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.