My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
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Me: “Goodnight Bed.”
Bed: “New foam who dis?”
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Whenever people are like “We need to restore traditional values to this country” I assume they mean slavery and burning witches at the stake
Me: Where are the kids?
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
ME: I heard glasses make you look smart.
FRIEND: That’s true.
[LATER ON A DATE]
ME: (wearing 20 pairs of glasses) Who said that?
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
GOD: Cat snake lmao
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.