Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy

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My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.


Me: “Goodnight Bed.”
Bed: “New foam who dis?”


Whenever people are like “We need to restore traditional values to this country” I assume they mean slavery and burning witches at the stake


Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not


A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”


ME: I heard glasses make you look smart.
FRIEND: That’s true.
ME: (wearing 20 pairs of glasses) Who said that?


“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.


Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.