imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
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My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
I have questions??
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.