Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
You Might Also Like
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Boom, boom, ching!
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?