@marknorm

Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.

Inmate: Who got me out?

Warden: A famous celebrity.

Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?

Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.

Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!

Warden: Just go man.

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@ADDiane

Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.

@CrockettForReal

if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe

@SortaBad

Commercial for Twitter:

“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”

@SoulYodeler

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*

@Barknado69

“I got your back”

“And I got your nose”

“Ooh I want his feet”

Mr. Potato Head: *sobbing* guys stop it

@mejustbeth

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

@Stevie___C

If a dentist make their money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?

@david8hughes

“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”

@CeCePleasants

Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.

@JimmerThatisAll

Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.