Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
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if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
“I got your back”
“And I got your nose”
“Ooh I want his feet”
Mr. Potato Head: *sobbing* guys stop it
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
If a dentist make their money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.