Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
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Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.