If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
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Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
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People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸