imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
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Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.