@PleaseBeGneiss

imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out

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@LionessElise

This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:

@ThaJawn

(Confessional)

Me: I played badminton and enjoyed it

Priest: That’s not a sin

Me: I don’t understand this religion…

@KentWGraham

Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.

@TheRealPalMal

“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”

– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.

@007Pepe_Rex

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

@iLikeCatShirts

[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time

@TheAlexNevil

Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.

@portmanteauface

Growing Seasons of New England

Spring: herbs, beans, arugula

Summer: corn, tomatoes, asparagus

Autumn: pumpkins, berries, squash

Winter: despair

@Elifcello

My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.