Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
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{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog