imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
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My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol