@YuckyTom

imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day

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@TheWidowmakerX

Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without

@Sara_Rose_G

When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.

@clint_bing

*I knee slide down the aisle, microphone to lips*
ARE YOU READYYYYYYYY FOR JEFF’S FUNERAL?!

@psybermonkey

Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?

@AaronFullerton

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

@iTomFoolery

I mixed coffee with Red Bull, now I can see the invisible things my kitten pounces on.

@LuvPug

These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before

@Divergentmama

I can’t be certain, but pretty sure I just heard the dishwasher scream “please no more” when I walked in to the kitchen.

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure

@PoshTick

mom: so where did you two meet?

me: [afraid to say we met online] the concrete exercise yard of a maximum-security prison