Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
You Might Also Like
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Self-cleaning conscience
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
An odd boast
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.