Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

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“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video


Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.


I like to go to my local diner and order pancakes “on the rocks.” They don’t know what I mean. Neither do I. They hate it when I come in


Wife*comes home*: What’s that noise?
Me: U said to give Tim an anvil
Wife: ADVIL! He should be in bed
Me: but..he’s almost finished my sword


According to HR, white people aren’t issued a race card, and they’d appreciate if I went back to my desk.



If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I’d probably pick living.


A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”

I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”


A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.