@CelebrityChez

Imagine creating a lifetime of mystery for someone by breaking into their home and replacing all their family photos with pictures of eggs.

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@stevevsninjas

Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.

@StephenBCramer

I installed a mirror in front of my toilet so that when I run out of things to read I will have someone to talk to.

@unravelingfire

People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.

@BuckyIsotope

Cookie Monster delivering the eulogy at Bert’s funeral. Head bowed low. Stillness. “Me want cookies,” he sadly intones. “Me want cookies.”

@pyaaristochill

imagine a crime show where an auntie accidentally solves crimes because she is so nosy

@funnybeachgirl

Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.

@hippieswordfish

ME: *fumbling with bra* sorry im usually good at this
HER: its…fine
ME: *successfully gets bra off* there we go, now you take off yours