Imagine creating a lifetime of mystery for someone by breaking into their home and replacing all their family photos with pictures of eggs.

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Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.


I installed a mirror in front of my toilet so that when I run out of things to read I will have someone to talk to.


People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.


Cookie Monster delivering the eulogy at Bert’s funeral. Head bowed low. Stillness. “Me want cookies,” he sadly intones. “Me want cookies.”


imagine a crime show where an auntie accidentally solves crimes because she is so nosy


Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.


ME: *fumbling with bra* sorry im usually good at this
HER: its…fine
ME: *successfully gets bra off* there we go, now you take off yours