@CelebrityChez

Imagine creating a lifetime of mystery for someone by breaking into their home and replacing all their family photos with pictures of eggs.

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@dorsalstream

[time machine appears in my old bedroom]

FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.

YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*

[time machine ceases to exist]

FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.

@EllaZee5

Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!

(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)

@RadWizzy

My octopus can beat up your octopus.

*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*

“Lets do this.”

@NewDadNotes

[Garden of Eden]

Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend

Eve: I thought I was your best friend?

Adam: I love you

Eve: aww I love you too

Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog

@954LeenO

if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.

@SSwinal

if youre impressed by girls who have “legs for days” then id like to inform you that ive had legs litterally my whole life

@SarahMJade

When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .

@aotakeo

[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit