@CelebrityChez: Imagine creating a lifetime of mystery for someone by breaking into their home and replacing all their family photos with pictures of eggs.
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@ericsshadow: COP: Is this man bothering you ma'am? ME: She's my wife MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
@Reverend_Scott: Better than a Justin Bieber concert: 1. Being deaf. 2. A rattlesnake bite. 3. Chewing razor blades. 4. Licking a public toilet seat.
@BijersSunbird: Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I'd be doing horoscopes. Yes. Leo: You will be written out of someone's will.
@DumbConfessions: [in Paris] Will you have sex with me? "No monsieur." Okay, like, I don't speak French. BLINK ONCE FOR NO AND TWICE FOR YES.