Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
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I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy