*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
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My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.