We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
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Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun