Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
You Might Also Like
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden: