Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
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Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Introverted vegans go meetless
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?