Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
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*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
HIM: So how was your OMG did you just pull a hot sauce packet out of your bra
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Marijuana doesn’t kill your brain cells. You’re just an idiot.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!