Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
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Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings