Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
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[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I put the p in pants.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
❤️❤️❤️
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press