imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
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Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.