@anoticingsenpa1: imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
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@MsSkarsgaard: Him: I'll kill anyone that tries to come near you. Me: Oh, that's sweet babe but do you think you could you leave the Cinnabon samples guy alone?
@jonnysun: i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was "cool. that bird makes more money than me"
@AimeeHelene1: When someone at work asks you what you're doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.