@anoticingsenpa1

imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that

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@DamienFahey

“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer

@PrisonCookies

I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs

@CarolinaSong

That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt

@ItsAndyRyan

Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex

@apollilaire

hello id like a reservation for two. also what is yr policy on cats. i wanna bring like seven cats. ive practiced fitting them on one chair

@JB4Realz

waiter: our special is only $7.99

mechanic: i’m a mechanic.

[seconds later]

waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.

mechanic: that’s too much.

waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.

@eeethanford

*Stubs cigarette out in palm to look tough*
*waits till everyone leaves*
*takes out cell phone*
Hello 911?
Please send all your ambulances

@TimHaynesJr

That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.

@batkaren

[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶