Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
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When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”