@molly7anne

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

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@RobTemple101

I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.

@Iwriteforcats

Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.

@pauvrelapinou

Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer

@longwall26

A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.

@SocialExtortion

I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. Seriously, I’m taking a selfie and you’re in the background

@Tommytoughstuff

Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]

@ArfMeasures

Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it

[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back

@hazelmotes1

Don’t judge. Maybe I’m conducting a study of the effects of prolonged laziness on a human body. You don’t know.

@PaperWash

angel: where’d all the zebras go?

God: I put ’em in the desert

angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow

God: I know lol