Tomorrow is Friday the 13th. Celebrate it by walking very slowly yet still managing to catch up to people.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
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Who is the idiot that called it “possession of marijuana” and not “joint custody”?
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
If I am farther than you in candy crush I will automatically think im smarter than you.
Me, in shorts and a t-shirt
7yo: Mom, why are you dressed all fancy?
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
A fat racist and a skinny racist jump off a cliff. Who wins? Society
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
The opposite of a nightmare is a morningstallion.