Imagine having a party on purpose.
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A classic example of a cat being a cat.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
*jingles half the way*
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs