@mattZillaaaa

Imagine having a party on purpose.

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@Boba_Photo

Tomorrow is Friday the 13th. Celebrate it by walking very slowly yet still managing to catch up to people.

@daemonic3

Who is the idiot that called it “possession of marijuana” and not “joint custody”?

@bighandsmassuer

People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are

Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am

@LeonEarlgrey

If I am farther than you in candy crush I will automatically think im smarter than you.

@ThisOneSayz

Me, in shorts and a t-shirt

7yo: Mom, why are you dressed all fancy?

@ElitatheLibra

Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe

@OllyiConic

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

@pixelatedboat

You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug