Imagine having a party on purpose.

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Tomorrow is Friday the 13th. Celebrate it by walking very slowly yet still managing to catch up to people.


Who is the idiot that called it “possession of marijuana” and not “joint custody”?


People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are

Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am


If I am farther than you in candy crush I will automatically think im smarter than you.


Me, in shorts and a t-shirt

7yo: Mom, why are you dressed all fancy?


Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe


interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess


You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug