Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
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I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
No, I don’t think I will.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
My flabber has been gasted.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17