@Flora__Flora

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

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@tastefactory

Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*

@Angibangie

[Carpool]

Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car

Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station

Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem

@Skoogeth

[during sex]

her: choke me

me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}

@pstamato

Asked exterminator if he chose the bug life or the bug life chose him. In the ensuing silence I assume he imagined me dying by fumigation.

@Rollinintheseat

Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.

@ericsshadow

My wife just texted “I’m too young to die” after they announced her United flight is overbooked.

@EdgarAllanLo

[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?

@david8hughes

[Joseph & Mary answers door to god]
“Mary, you’re looking well.”
[Joseph puts arm around Mary & raises an eyebrow]
“Jesus, your dad’s here.”

@thedad

DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?

ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.

[2AM]
ME:

WIFE: Go to sleep.

ME: What if it is though?