Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
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Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.