@Flora__Flora

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

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@trustedshoe

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.

@patnspankme

my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back

@Shade510

Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.

@TravLeBlanc

Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?

@HeyZeus666

With so many unhappy married couples and a 50% divorce rate, I think it’s pretty obvious that Americans don’t breed well in captivity.

@Marlebean

NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??

We’re having leftover pizza.

@vanderheydensax

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

@ChaseMit

“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent

@Reverend_Scott

[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]

“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”