@TheDweck

Imagine having the best possible excuse to not see family for the holidays and then just… not using it?

You Might Also Like

@chuuew

A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.

@GrillinChillin9

I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.

@CheckMeowTBruh

Phone call

Me: Hello?

Teacher: Is that Timmy’s Mother?

Me: Yes?

Teacher: It’s Timmy’s Maths teacher. I just wanted you to know, it looks like we have a little professor Stephen Hawking on our hands

Me: Oh wow! That’s amaz…

Teacher: Yeah there’s been a terrible accident

@sixfootcandy

Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!

@Reverend_Scott

BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?

NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-

INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know

@Huber138

Me: Would you like to be a model?
Her: yes
Me: are you comfortable with nudity?
Her: Sure
Me:

@daemonic3

Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?

@Darlainky

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

@Mr_Kapowski

You tell one kid there’s candy inside an electrical outlet that can only be retrieved with a fork and you’re never asked to babysit again

@dyldonot

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?