Imagine having the best possible excuse to not see family for the holidays and then just… not using it?

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A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.


I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.


Phone call

Me: Hello?

Teacher: Is that Timmy’s Mother?

Me: Yes?

Teacher: It’s Timmy’s Maths teacher. I just wanted you to know, it looks like we have a little professor Stephen Hawking on our hands

Me: Oh wow! That’s amaz…

Teacher: Yeah there’s been a terrible accident


Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!


BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?

NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-

INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know


Me: Would you like to be a model?
Her: yes
Me: are you comfortable with nudity?
Her: Sure


Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?


I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.


You tell one kid there’s candy inside an electrical outlet that can only be retrieved with a fork and you’re never asked to babysit again


[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?