imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
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I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
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I still have Pringles?
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.