Imagine how excited Barn Owls were when humans invented barns.

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if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires


My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.


Fail-proof diet: cut sugar, fats, pasta, alcohol, bread and wrists.


[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in

Carpenter: …what


Cop: I can only hold you for another hour

Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!

Cop: You know I gotta work, babe


“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers


HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille


You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.