@N8Swick

Imagine how excited Barn Owls were when humans invented barns.

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@fro_vo

if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires

@JPHaddadio

My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.

@LaetPO

Fail-proof diet: cut sugar, fats, pasta, alcohol, bread and wrists.

@AbbieEvansXO

[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in

Carpenter: …what

@MarfSalvador

Cop: I can only hold you for another hour

Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!

Cop: You know I gotta work, babe

@JBusch260

“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers

@ArfMeasures

[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille

@Donna_McCoy

You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.