I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
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When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors