Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
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My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )