Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
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A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
W: No, I did.
Judge: That’s argumentative.