Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
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You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista