Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
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Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Bit chilly again tonight.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
you stereotypes are all alike
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine