[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
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Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Namaste
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢