Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
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The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Haha good job!!
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.