Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
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Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
do horses think humans are hats
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
you will never know the true number of layers
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Bill is short for Billiam
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single