Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
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Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
adding to the discourse
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.