Imagine if Frodo was all "Sauron's bad, but Gandalf's done some morally gray stuff, too, so I'll stay home." Don't get eaten by orcs. Vote.

Imagine if Frodo was all “Sauron’s bad, but Gandalf’s done some morally gray stuff, too, so I’ll stay home.”

Don’t get eaten by orcs. Vote.

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”

[College admissions office]

“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”

ME: that’s wack

Like a good neighbor

plow my driveway, not my wife

[creating the armadillo]

GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very

Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha

[inventing the toaster]

engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4

chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8

To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.

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