Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
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To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?