Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 馃幎 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 馃幎
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“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
it鈥檚 not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We鈥檒l just take it bidet by bidet.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalape帽o for me.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
VHS tapes used to be like: 鈥淔BI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney鈥檚 Flubber”
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That鈥檚 really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Sleep is the body鈥檚 best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Me: I don鈥檛 think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
I hate when people talk down to me like I don鈥檛 already know I鈥檓 an idiot.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It鈥檚 not like you die and then you have to run a marathon