Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
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I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism