Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
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Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
#StillHurts
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up