Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
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A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing