I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
imagine if otters became overpopulated and started destroying the world. it would be so cute.
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Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Everybody thinks “The Social Network” is the best movie about forming a new startup, but they are wrong. The best movie is “Ghostbusters”.
This is the saddest product I have ever seen in my life.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
i want a ghostbusters movie set in the immediate aftermath of the first one that’s about regular new yorkers grappling with the knowledge that the soul persists past the death of the body, but sometimes you end up as a green monster man
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Everything I know about raising a family, I learned from watching the Addams Family.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
*opens car door to drop kid off at school & sees kool aid instead*
If you’re here then..
[cut to kid bursting through a wall like ‘oh yeah’]