Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
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A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”