Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
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The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.