Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
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The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Just got to our Airbnb!
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.