Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
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What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free