Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.

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[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”


*buys roofies, slips then into girlfriends drink, plays video games for 8 hours straight in peace and quiet*


I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.


ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?


ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth


My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.


[speed dating]

HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.

ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom


No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.


Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me

Interviewer: a job-related weakness…