@spinubzilla

imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night

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@I_Mee_Myself_

My girlfriend just walked in and called me gay… If
my nails weren’t drying I swear to god…

@kavoinooi

I hate when my cat brings in a dead bird and I have to pretend I enjoy eating it so I don’t hurt his feelings

@shwebby2

Bars are Weird

Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product

@ValeeGrrl

Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.

@iwearaonesie

What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since

@Thynebear

Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy

@SvnSxty

A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee

@david8hughes

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

@Jay_FrickinLynn

Jesus: Give them fingernails in case they start itching.

God: Alright, but wouldn’t it be funny if they couldn’t reach their backs?