imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
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If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.