If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
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That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.