Imagine me in bed.



Wrong again.


Wrong AGAIN!

Soaking wet.

This leaky roof is gonna cost me a fortune to fix!

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NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??

We’re having leftover pizza.


[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?


*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form


judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”


*gets pulled over*

Officer: how high are u

Me: no officer, it’s hi, how are u


[Chasing a dog on my bike]

Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!


It’s not sex until you walk away with a nose bleed, and the Eye Of The Tiger song is still playing in your head.


[coffee shop]

ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]

CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?

ME: No it’s a flyer