NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Imagine me in bed.
This leaky roof is gonna cost me a fortune to fix!
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Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their shit.
Have you tried just Photoshopping her into your life?
*gets pulled over*
Officer: how high are u
Me: no officer, it’s hi, how are u
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
It’s not sex until you walk away with a nose bleed, and the Eye Of The Tiger song is still playing in your head.
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer