Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
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While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me