Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
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Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice