@NotKevinSheedy

Imagine me riding a bike.

Wrong.

There’s no seat.

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@TheKimersonShow

Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!

Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy

@david8hughes

“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”

@underchilde

I don’t need to use WebMD because my mother always knows a person who had something similar to me, and she remembers how they got rid of it.

@AllanForsyth

“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”

– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.

@AnOrangeSNES

*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.

@kelkulus

Felix Baumgartner’s 127,000 ft jump becomes world’s greatest free fall, unseating previous record set by the 2008 US Economy. #spacejump

@Makola_Bohlatse

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

@ol_boo

Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold